Peacefully, in her sleep
last night.
A rough day with the Knuckle yesterday. She'd been refusing food for about a week, refusing to exercise, refusing to speak or look directly at us. The combination was a final form of control, all that's left to us.
Would you like me to call a priest?
Why, am I dying?
Well, yes. If you don't eat, you will die.
But I'm not sure the Karen Carpenter diet was what did it. And I will never know.
What I do know is that she did not want to live on the second floor another day.
With her last hairdo behind her, she passed to an easier place. Possibly as surprised as the rest of us.
It's a kind of freedom, isn't it?
11 comments:
Wow, Leesh. What a surprise. I know you knew your mother had decided to quit eating, but that's different from letting go entirely... I hope you're doing okay under the circumstances. Who is ever really, truly prepared for the end, not those who die, not those who must let them go?
It seems the Knuckle on some level wanted you there to see her off...Even if it was a rough last day, I bet it's good to have been able to see and speak with her. Let me know if you need anything. I send you lots of love and strength...
Much love, Meesh
oh alicia. i thought the Knuckle would outlast my mom for sure. i get that second floor deal -had mom not gone back to her assisted living apartment im sure she would stop participating in life too.
i love how you have written this. you have a matter of factness that isnt cold at all; its......brave. im not sure what else to say other than i admire how you immortalized Knuckle in these stories.
xo ande
Oh, I just woke (at 4am!) thinking of you...and now I know why. I'm so sorry, yet so happy you were there and not here. I've always credited her with your view on life...and I love her for that. I have been touched by the stories you have told us that so clearly show your love for her.
Take care of yourself, old friend -
my heart aches for you.
Cyn
Dear Alicia,
I too am glad that you got to say goodbye in person. You knew it was time to go there, for all concerned. The next few days are likely to be surrealistic, dealing with what to the "service providers" is routine. I felt a bit of euphoria upon my mom's death, because she died on her own terms, as did the Knuckle. Strange, eh?
Much love,
Cary
I am shocked, saddened and so sorry to hear the news, Alicia. I had really believed your mom had pulled a Lazarus after your last visit. My sadness is lessened though, knowing that you were by her side at the end--making it the sort of blessed passage we can all only hope for. much love, donalyn
I am shocked, saddened and so sorry to hear the news, Alicia. I had really believed your mom had pulled a Lazarus after your last visit. My sadness is lessened though, knowing that you were by her side at the end--making it the sort of blessed passage we can all only hope for. much love, donalyn
Hi again.
When people would inquire about how my mom was doing, I would say "She's gone to the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in the sky." It's less abrupt, and it pleased me to think so. Ros told me she would come back and tell me what was out there...but what with the orientation sessions and re-connecting with all of her old friends, she hasn't gotten around to it. Besides, there probably aren't any words in our language to describe it.
Cary
Cary - I LOVE the seafood buffett answer! And I so agree that even the ones who promise to fill us in on what's to come are too damned busy enjoying it to tell us. My Grandmother always promised to tell me after she left...all I ever get are these fabulous dreams where she tilts her head back and laughs like nothing I've ever seen.And she wears a different dress in each one, so I'm guessing the shopping is good, too.
Another Member of the I (heart) Alicia Club
Alicia,
Words fail me miserably at times like this. How about if I send out good feelings to you? Perhaps you will find some comfort in that. To kind of paraphrase Shakespeare's Mark Anthony, may the hard times be interred with the bones while the good between you and the Knuckle lives on. Cherish the good and cast away the not so good. It helps console you when the loneliness starts to close in on you.
H.
A,
So sorry to hear the news. It's never easy. I will keep you in my thoughts in the coming days.
thanks everyone for leaving comments.
Yes, I was very glad I was there to see her off.
It's good to have no, or reasonably few, regrets.
a
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